The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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