Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
