watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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