god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
