I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
