I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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