I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize