I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
