The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
