batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
