last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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