I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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