those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
