My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
