who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
