If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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