When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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