does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
