he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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