Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize