i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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