Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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