Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
