please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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