i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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