we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
