You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
