I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
