oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
