Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
