The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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