im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
