Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
