I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
that's an acceptable place to lick
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
