Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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