I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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