I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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