I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
