He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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