Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
