Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
