Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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