I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
