Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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