He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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