I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
