I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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