my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
