HIV tests are more positive than that guy
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
