i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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