He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
