Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
In America we eat man semen.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
