Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
