I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
