If i come over, it means nothing
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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