Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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