On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
